True Love

Today might be a touchy subject, but it’s an important one that I didn’t really realize was effecting my life so deeply until recently. If you choose to be offended by this, I’m sorry, but this has been my experience and I want to talk about it.

Today I want to talk about love.

Unconditional love.

It occurred to me recently that I am a very different person than I was a few years ago. I have more confidence in myself, I am able to say and do many things that I never would have dreamed before. If I want to do something, I will go for it, rather than lingering in indecision and doubt. I don’t waste my time and energy worrying about what people will think of me.

My partner and I were having a discussion about virginity (and celibacy), those people who choose to wait until marriage. “It’s most important,” I was telling him, “what others think.” He asked me, what about those who make the choice for themselves, who aren’t pressured into it. Even though that was the situation I was in, now that I am able to look back on that decision, I can see that the most important thing in that decision was other people. Being different than other people, being better than them. That meant that even if I didn’t tell them my choice outright, I still had certain standards to live up to so that they knew it. I could never be in a situation where there was any doubt of my chastity. That meant no alone, private time with a male, no dates, no relationship, and absolute supervision at all times. Anything that anyone could ever joke about or hint that something off color had happened, I couldn’t be found in that situation.

I didn’t realize until recently, but the cause of those actions and that decision was obviously fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being loved.

How can one think of such a situation of fear that dictates your daily actions as something linked to love? Because I wanted my future husband to love me. Because I didn’t know if I could love him in such a situation. I heard all the tales, of course, about your soul being ripped in two when you have sex, that you were used goods, men only want a warm body, no one wants the cow when you get the milk for free. Everything that degrades a person’s humanity and frightens them into obeying. Is that an act of love?

And this is what I’m saying. I grew up in the church and have been hesitant to say anything about it. I knew people’s complaints against the church. I thought I understood them too. Usually, I would say “some Christians” hate. “Some Christians” are bullies. “Some Christians” don’t know how to handle their love, so they control and command. “Some Christians” protest funerals. We weren’t Westboro, so we believed in love and respect, right? I believed in a God of unconditional Love. Big L – Love. “Agape” to use their word.

But what does that even mean? It means that no matter what, God loves you. It’s a good idea in theory, but we tend to love the idea of an Old Testament God. A God of rules, anger, and wrath. A God who will smite thousands on a whim. That’s the idea that the churches cling to. Yes, I thought my church as different. I thought that we believed in Love. I honestly did.

Does Love constantly give you constantly give you conditions and rules and regulations to follow that, if you don’t, you will be cast aside? I’m not even talking about smothering babies in hospitals. I understand that everything has its limits. But does it? Or are we talking about an omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent God? I think that means no conditions. God knows all and loves you anyway, right?

So who doesn’t? People. We need laws and I understand laws. We can’t be letting people run wild and murder our neighbors because we like their car. Or simply steal their car. We have laws to keep order in society. And the OT (Old Testament) was a book of laws for a people who needed them. We have different laws, because we live in a different time and place, with different knowledge, technology, and abilities. Everything is different. I believe in Love.

What I don’t believe is that laws and Love are connected. I don’t believe that the rules that the church tries to force people to follow are love. I don’t believe that using fear and scare tactics is an act of love. The reason I “became a Christian”? I didn’t want to go to hell. I was so scared of it that I had nightmares. Anytime that I was scared, I started praying and praying. Is that a real relationship of love? Is that what unconditional love is? You do what we say or you will burn in hell?

Now, I understand the “love the sinner, hate the sin” but I have yet to see it in practice. I’ve heard so many times that it is humanity turning away from God. He wants to be with us, but we don’t want to be with Him. Have you ever loved someone? They talk and talk about God’s forgiveness, but hold firm to his absolute intolerance for certain behaviors. Have you ever loved someone? Have you ever been wronged? I have. I was deeply hurt by someone that I loved dearly. But I loved him. Unconditionally. And I knew that he felt the same way. I knew that even though he did this thing, that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I wanted to be with him. So even before he asked, I forgave him. I’m not saying it wasn’t rough. I am only human and not a god. We had some hard times. I’m just saying. It’s this love that makes me question the things that I have been told are love in the past.

Tattoos. Drugs. Alcohol. Piercings. Revealing clothing. Flashy cars. Gambling. Sex. Homosexuality. Ambition. Swearing. Wives working outside the home. There are endless “sins” that don’t hurt anyone. Endless “sins” that are perfectly harmless, except to yourself, perhaps. Even then, perhaps not.

This brings up the point of defining sin. What is sin? I can tell you what isn’t, according to my sources. Living in a box and never talking to anyone, unless you are asking them if they’d like to join your cause. Anything that anyone might find offensive is definitely a sin. But especially sexual things. And that’s my focus.

Why do Christians automatically think that everything sexual is a sin? I would like to say that anything consensual is not. Of course, I cannot speak for God, but I think it’s awfully strange that there is so much focus in the Christian’s life on sex. And what you can’t do. It’s a constant string of “you can’t” and it makes sense that so many other religions want to capitalize on this. *coughmormonizmcough* I would like to point out that currently, the world’s population is at 7 billion. I would like to take the “forbidden fruit” appeal away from sex, please. Why was 50 Shades of Gray so freaking popular? Because it was so wrong, so forbidden.

I mean, there’s no other reason that book would have gotten anywhere? It was a painful read.

Anyway, back to the idea of unconditional love. For the first time in my life, ever, I have the confidence to do and say anything that I want to, because I don’t have to live in fear that I’m going to screw it all up. I mean, I might, but I also know that if I do, he will still love me. Which is pretty freaking amazing. Not even my family can say that. If I do “such-and-such” I will gain their disapproval and never be spoken to again. My Christian family. I know that they are doing what they think is right, so I can’t throw rocks at them. But I am not on speaking terms with 2/3 of my siblings and the 3rd is kind of teetering, but I think that’s from other reasons. I was kicked out of a church because I refused to stop being friends with non-Christian people. I know a girl who was forced to dye her hair and get rid of her piercings (only in her ears) and fashionable clothes to get help at a church after her family kicked her out on the streets for being pregnant at 16. A man was told that his fiancĂ© had to dress properly or she wasn’t welcome to return, even though she wasn’t a Christian herself. I have endless stories to tell, but they aren’t mine and I wouldn’t know how to get permission.

The church talks about love and I know people say they believe in it, but they don’t show it. Why am I almost 30 and this is the first time I’ve felt confident and secure that someone will love me and be with me no matter what?

I know it’s a religious rant and I’m sorry. But this is pathetic and sad. I have to be honest. Until I can wear my stripper boots in church without having people look down on me, I will keep my religion away from the church.


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Just promoting my selfish life

This campaign is raising money for “My Wedding”

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Helpful advice: female masturbation

The most important thing to remember is that every woman is different. Some things that feel good to others may not feel good to you. It’s important to keep in mind that you are the most important and to never feel lesser than anyone for not having the same experience.

Many women do not experience orgasm, through partners or self stimulation until their late 20s-early 30s and some women are unable to achieve orgasm throughout their lifetime. Having a good acceptance of your sexual desires, sexual actions, and having high self worth will make your sexual experiences more fulfilling. Having a mind filled with shame and guilt is not conducive to the experience.

Knowing your body and how to feel pleasure is important. For yourself, and for possible future partners. I, personally, floundered for a year, trying out masturbation techniques before I was finally able to achieve orgasm through self stimulation. And many women similarly find that the road to orgasm is not as simple and straightforward as it seems to be for men. Many women take up to 30 minutes or more before achieving orgasm, but with the right conditions and self knowledge, it can be brought down to a few minutes. After time and experience. So, please remember that practice and patience will pay off.

Step one is to get your body in shape. Orgasms are very tiring and if your body isn’t ready to spend 30 seconds to several minutes in extreme anabolic mode, you won’t be able to achieve as much. Keep in mind that some orgasms have been known to be so intense that people have passed out or even died of heart failure. Also, making sure that you are well rested, not stressed, and have eaten a healthy meal (but not too much) within a few hours of orgasm also can help put your body in a receptive mode. Preparation is key.

Before the actual orgasm experience, spending 2-3 weeks doing kegal exercises beforehand will make orgasm easier. Many women with fit PC muscles can orgasm through flexing alone. This muscle is actually kind of difficult and awkward to find. It’s not one that we regularly flex consciously. It’s the same muscle that stops the flow of pee. So, next time you use the restroom, try to be aware and feel how to flex that muscle. Similarly, you can also insert a finger or two into the vaginal canal and work to compress your muscles. Flexing that muscle for 10-30 seconds for 3-5 reps a few times a day will greatly increase your muscle mass and your understanding of that area. Also, don’t do it when you have a full bladder. It’s unhealthy to be overly flexing these muscles while retaining urine.

When you are finally ready for masturbation, be sure that you are in a comfortable, relaxing, warm environment. That could be the bed or the bath, anywhere that you feel safe and relaxed. I, personally, recommend a nice clean bed after a warm relaxing bath.

Most women can’t achieve orgasm through penetrative sex, so it’s important to focus on the clitoris. It’s also good to note here that the clitoris is not only the obvious head/glans, but also extends around the entire area of the vagina. The “button” has the most nerve endings in one spot, but the thing to be careful with here is overstimulation. Many women find that using vibrating toys directly on their clitoral head is very painful. And even if it is not painful, the head may withdraw into itself and will not make itself available for further stimulation. When properly stimulated, it can extend, much like a man’s penis and may even become noticeable. It’s recommended to not directly stimulate the clitoral head, but the surrounding area, as the most erogenous zone actually encompasses the entire vaginal area.

How to “touch yourself” really depends on each individual woman. Some are more sensitive to certain touches. They may need less stimulation or more. They may need a specific type of movement. They may simply need pressure. They may need a rubbing motion. I knew of one woman who could only orgasm from counter clockwise motions. Everyone is different.

Keeping your mind on the sensations that you are experiencing and relaxing is very important. You are probably not going to orgasm thinking about paying bills. Many women find that closing their eyes helps them to focus on their body and may even help you to naturally touch yourself in a way that you wouldn’t otherwise think of. Even fantasizing is can be very helpful. On the other hand, for women, sometimes fantasizing is distracting and they actually have more difficulty reaching orgasm when fantasizing. It all depends on what seems to work for you. Don’t be afraid to try things out.

To teach your body to respond to your touch, it is helpful to start out in a mindset that is already prepared for sexual encounters. Getting in the mood. That might mean reading erotic novels, watching porn, or fantasizing about a coworker. Whatever works for you. That way, your body doesn’t have to start from zero and will start being trained to react a certain way to certain stimuli. Touching this way leads to sexual stimulation. This can also work for other types of stimulation, even to kissing.

Using vibrators, fingers, or flowing water to stimulate the clitoris are the best bet for women to achieve orgasm. But humping pillows or rubbing oneself on towels could be equally pleasurable.

On another note, penetrative masturbation can be pleasant for some women (especially those with strong pc muscles), so using dildos or ben-wa balls also during clitoral stimulation might also be helpful. The important thing is to continue to keep a rhythm of flexing your pc muscles while stimulating yourself, however you do it. Griping and releasing. And when you feel an overwhelming sensation, giving into it and not being self conscious. It is often difficult for women to give up control and simply go with “the feeling” because it seems scary and somehow wrong. But just be confident, because there is nothing to be afraid of.

The g-spot is generally not very useful when masturbating (it’s more helpful for penetrative sex), but some women do have success. The g-spot has been found to be “not a thing” but for many women, there is a cluster of nerve endings on the inside of the vagina, opposite the clitoris. This spot is generally about 3 inches in (which is about the ending of the feeling inside the vaginal canal). Also, please clip your nails and make sure that your hands and anything else you intend to insert inside yourself is clean.

So, reaching inside yourself with 1-2 fingers, you should feel a spot on that is a different, spongy tissue. After stimulating that for a time, you should notice a dramatic change in the tissue and increased lubrication in the surrounding are. Extreme stimulation of this area, plus the clitoris is how many women squirt, by the way. For this, I always recommend using showers and baths, because of privacy, but also because of lubrication and no clean up if you do end up being overly lubricated.

I will end with the same thing everyone says. Just do what feels good.

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Escape the box


I don’t like doing what people think I should. I don’t like being who people think I am. I don’t like the idea of fitting into boxes. I don’t know if that makes me a rebellious teenager or a creative thinker.

I don’t want people to be right when they see me as a girl, as a woman, as a geek, as an otaku, as a teacher, as an English teacher, as a student, as a country girl, as someone in a romantic relationship, as a redneck, as a Christian, as a fat girl, as an oldest child, as a foreigner, as an American, as a poor white person, as a single woman, as almost 30…. The list of potential stereotypes goes on and on.

This is especially hard for me as I am trying to adjust (4 years in) to my first romantic relationship.

I really have a hard time as soon as I find our relationship following stereotypical patterns. I was annoyed enough that we ended up getting together, because it was such an expected move, very cliche. The things that annoy me, the things that I do and say, the way that our relationship is developing, everything is so stereotypical that it drives me insane.

Yet, I try to keep an open mind. I want to be more than the typical girlfriend. I want to not push for a ring. I want to not nag. I want to be okay with my partner wanting other women. I want to be someone unexpected, above and beyond.

But there’s another surprising area of shaming that we are brought to. When you don’t meet negative expectations, people seem to be equally ready and willing to shame you for them.

I get so tired from it all.

I sometimes wonder if life would be easier if I was able to escape it all. I wish I knew how.

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Check this out


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Demanding Equality! Part II

As I watch television, I become more and more aware of the amount of female skin shown on television. And I’m upset.

Not to say that I think anyone should be ashamed of their bodies or that we should hide ourselves. The human body is a beautiful thing and we should appreciate it in all its forms. As long as we are not devaluing or shaming those bodies that are shown or the people who choose to show them, I have no problem with skin on TV.

My problem is the severe lack of equality between the genders. Why do I see 500+ boobs for every penis? Okay, so I’m not asking for more penises in trade for the boobs. But we need to figure out some type of equality.

For every naked female butt, I want a naked male butt. For every tight pair of short shorts on a woman, I want to see one on a man. For every shot down a woman’s shirt, I want the same from a man.

We can’t value a man’s body equally to a woman’s until we are treating them equally.


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Demanding Equality!

There was a meme recently portraying the Disney Princesses in their male counterpart’s clothes. Although they didn’t exactly do Jane correctly, because boobs, it got me thinking about equality again.

We all agree that women look hot in stereotypical “man” clothing. I would like to propose that men look equally hot in “woman” clothing.

Of course, much like any other thing that a person would wear, it depends on how it fits, what color it is, what style it is, what they look good in.

I’m simply saying that we shouldn’t bind someone to a certain type of clothing just because of their sex or gender. Why can we not accept males as beautiful in a flowing dress?

Hizaki, the guitarist from Versailles Philharmonic Quintet.
Kaya….. And really, quite a few other visual kei musicians.
Sophia Burset from Orange is the New Black.
Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror.
Some Like it Hot…

I don’t think that it should be a question of sexuality. It should simply be a way for people to show their love for themselves and their desire to be beautiful.

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